It is a thing. I think it is a really AWESOME thing. But I also think that spiders are good luck, so my brain might be skewed..(or screwed).
BEFORE I can get into the meat bouquet, I have to go back awhile in time. To a year...no no lets go back even further. 10 years. Let's go 10 years back. It's all relevant to the meat bouquet so just get a glass of wine, shut the fuck up and listen.
Dodaleedadodaleedadoooooooo **BAM! Time travel music**
10 years ago, I was 30. I was also on the verge of ending my marriage. (Or maybe I already had by then. I don't remember. My poor then husband.*pat pat*)
I was working my first ever job at Kindercare learning centers and I believe I had laryngitis for EVER from all of the funk and the goop that 2 year old's omit.
9 years ago... I was getting every other weekend OFF from motherhood and I went out to my very first club, watched my very first comedy show and drank at my very first bar. I also learned that gay bars are the best to dance at because people leave you alone. (Apparently, I'm not the lesbians type)
I also started selling passion products with My Ex-Husbands girlfriend...(That sounds way weirder then it actually was.) And discovered that I LOVED it and made a life long friend. Although sadly she became my ex-husbands ex-girlfriend soon enough.
I would go on to dabble in the slinging dings venture later in life as well.
During this year, for the first time ever, I got to "date" beautiful men who I didn't care about. Please notice the quotation marks around the word "date". Was I a whore? Maybe a little.
8 years ago I got STUCK in a refunckshinship *shudder*
How did I get stuck? That is a longer story. Needless to say I was inexperienced with clingers and couldn't shake this one. He clung. HARD.
After I while, I clung back. It was not the best situation, but from that I learned something very VERY important. Men might be delicious, but they are stupid.
6 years ago My weekends off were few and far between and besides, I decided to focus on the most important things in life. Not Men.
My kids have always come first, but now when I DID get weekends off, I would spend that time doing something for them. Or me. Us. It was during this year that I also found out who my real #rideordie was. God. That's who. And once I realized how amazing He is. My life just imploded with happiness.
The next 5 years of my life have been spent working hard on my dream job, I've had a few side chicks (That is what I call my side jobs, RELAX) of Photography and slinging dings.
Watch me whip, watch me sling ding-dings....Did you sing that in your head?
Needless to say, I have been completely and total uninterested in men. Not one caught my eye. I didn't think any of them were cute and if someone mentioned the word "Boyfriend" or "Relationship" to me, I would dry heave into the nearest receptacle.
I was very VERY invested in my life as forever single raiser of pitbulls who would garden and make my own salsa and soap.
And this leads us back toooo....
1 year ago or The birth of the meat bouquet.
I had a crush. On a man. It was horrible. Awful. And everyone knows it. I mean EVERYONE knows it. If you know me and you are my friend. You know who it was.
If I work with you. You know who it was.
If you are my BOSS, you know who it was.
I am pretty sure that everyone in the whole world knows who it was.
I can't tell YOU who it was. DUH.
But I will say that I REALIZED that I had a crush on him when I did something so laughable and over the top You would piss yourself laughing....AT ME.
I have NEVER had a "crush" on someone. Do you want some advice? Stick to the salsa garden Because now we get to the point, the horror and the MEAT of this whole story.
The Meat bouquet.
WHY did I decide to SURPRISE! send this beautiful man meat? Did he flirt with me and give me a hint that he had a giant year long crush on me too? The answer to that is a HARD NO.
No. Hell no.
You can't be irritated on my behalf at the guy. My idea was COMPLETELY irrational. And embarrassing. But let me explain:
About a week prior to Valentines Day we had something happen at my place of business that was so sad, it was so tragic that it shook all of us to the core.
One of our parents died.
Out of the blue and at the age of 33. It broke our hearts and that is when I had the genius Idea of "FUCK IT, I could die tomorrow. I'm going to do something."
And like all supportive friends they rallied around me shouting "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!"
Not really, that was just my brain.
So I started to hunt. I finally narrowed it down and had to make a hard and fast decision. Between the meat bouquet and this:
Now, now. I know what you are thinking. "Beanie gives the best presents." And I agree with you, but focus.
The decision to choose the meat bouquet was a simple one. Men like meat. If he hates my bouquet he can always eat it.
So that night I sat down and ordered it.
I WISH I could say that I was cool and calm about it like "Fuck it. I'm awesome."
But in reality, once I hit purchase, I started to dry heave and scream at the same time. What I was screaming was "I take it back I TAKE IT BAAAAACK! WHAT DID I JUST DOOOOOOOO!"
Yeah, the sound coming out of my mouth was a strange one, which brought my children running to check on me with wide eyes and worried faces.
"WHAT IS WRONG!" They both yelled over my retching screams.
"I did it. I bought the meat bouquet and I changed my mind, I changed it!"
"Oh my." Shane sincerely murmured
"Well....now you have to deal with your meat bouquet consequences" Emma stated with a pat on the back. My daughter is hard core, and a lot like me. So I tried to suck it up.
"But the note....But the note I put.." I whined.
"Nothing can beat this meat (bouquet)...."
Ooooh there was MORE, that was just the LESS embarrassing part.
Listen. in the Game of life love and happiness. I have none. Okay. Absolutely zero game. I am not smooth or suave and I have absolutely NO idea what I am doing most everyday.
Needless to say, the bouquet was sent and off it went. I wish I could tell all of you that he responded by saying that I was the woman of his dreams. But that is not the case.
He did respond by thanking me politely. And I, in response, have tried to ignore the fact that it happened.
Listen, I don't care what the professionals say, ignoring something works. (most times)
In the end, I don't regret doing it. It was bad ass and gutsy.....something all women should be. But maybe save the bouquet of meat for someone who throws off the sparks. Or maybe, when given the choice, choose the bear.
No comments:
Post a Comment